I recently learned that I calculated my personal tarot archetype of 2023 incorrectly. Which seems like a cosmic error because evidently I also did this the prior year, in spite of it being simple math! I double, triple checked and sure enough I had been believing this whole time that I was working through one archetype when it was actually another. (in my particular case all methods lead to the same number)
So I thought I was in a Strength year, which seemed to track because it had been a trying year of finding my center again and again. But it turns out I have actually been in a Justice year, which also tracks and offered an interesting spin on my perspective. And furthermore, I’m looking towards a Hanged One year for 2024.
To say that this entire last year, from last November (which I wrote about here, here, and here) had been a void space, is an understatement. My best description would be that it felt like a complete, systematic dissolving of who I thought I was and the underlying identities of who I am remaining somewhat out of view. The dismantling of old dreams and ideas only to realize I don’t really know what I want. Or more accurately I’ve never quite dared to seriously contemplate the question.
I mean I know some of what I want, I know my values and principles…but the how of it is elusive still. And I’m getting the sense that the completion of that ego disintegration is not arriving at a conclusion, but arriving at a place of accepting being exactly where I am. Being ok with waiting. Being ok with not knowing. Finding satisfaction within myself. Discerning between satisfaction internally, and working towards imagining and influencing better futures. Detaching from external sources of validation. Being experimental with my actions, taking the next right action and waiting again.
In Western psychology the idea of mental health is often framed around a stable sense of personality and mood. Using more sophisticated defense mechanisms, maintaining a rational awareness alongside what you are feeling, are considered desirable. The term “ego Strength” as a goal says it all. There is truth in it, but isn’t that also a prescription for learning to stay the same, only changing minor expressions? We are not our personalities. The personality is an expression of us. It is one possible expression (or several over time) that can become static and a facsimile for our deepest sense of ourselves, or it can become a sort of interface that changes as we change. More and more I find myself believing that it is a natural feature of expansive consciousness to experience a huge amount of fluctuation in our sense of identity, because it is in fact a construction of the conscious mind. It is an idea, that we can reenforce or challenge. And there is something deeper, and more true, that we can’t really define but we can feel it.
In the essay class I took with Jeannine Ouellette, she wrote often discovering your essay’s “core aboutness” and letting that guide you. Perhaps the version of that within ourselves is understanding our personal potential to be the best person we can. I believe in facing your difficulties, your psychological wounds, and understanding the influence of toxic and oppressive beliefs within yourself. Of course I believe this is vitally important. Being a positive force in our relationships, communities, collectives, and environments is a key aspect of my core aboutness. And recently after my meditations I’ve been contemplating a related and equally important principle that I’ll call our “core enoughness.”
Corinna Barsan channeled a beautiful piece in The Horae recently, speaking to the perils of always striving (among other gems of wisdom). Trying to live up to our own values can easily become a neverending quest to be good enough. It’s hard to find that balance, for the concepts consciously do seem in opposition but they’re not. If we can’t find a foundation in our core enoughness, we lose track of how to feel satisfied. Feeling satisfied is a quality that insulates our human striving from extracting from others, from projecting our wounds into others, and from succumbing to apathy.
Again and again over the recent weeks a similar message has emerged— That it’s our responsibility is to be exactly who we are. That this life is just a tiny fraction of the expanse of our existence across time. That connection to the universal nature of consciousness is within our grasp but we must first let go of ourselves. That so much of our own suffering is created within our own thinking, and that this blocks us from recognizing the areas where we do have some power to alleviate real suffering.
I’m not talking about using positive thinking to accept circumstances that are unjust, or ignoring what’s happening around you because it’s “too upsetting.” I’m talking about knowing the difference between meaningful action, and cultivating a state of feeling and believing we are solving a problem when we are really just fantasizing about it.
In Reiki there are two precepts, or principles for Reiki Practice, that address this idea:
Just for today—
1. I will not worry
2. I will not anger
When I teach Reiki I offer my perspective on this, which is that anger and worry have their place within our spectrum of emotions. They are not inherently bad or good. They are survival-oriented, and necessary. But they are also extremely powerful energies, they are fast moving and they influence the energy around and within us. They are not neutral. There can be alchemy and profound change as a result of channeling these energies effectively, rage in particular can be a form of vital lifeforce that can be just as generative as it can be destructive. But when we use these energies we are using our will, we are influencing the space around us with our personal energy, and we need to be sure about what we’re doing because it is very impactful. This is why when we are working to be a neutral channel for Reiki to flow, knowing that we cannot possibly be aware of the full picture or exactly what is “supposed to happen,” it is important that we set these feeling states to the side so we do not impose our will on the energy.
I have been exploring the idea of an intuitively driven life, consciously and intentionally for about 5 years. I surrendered to not knowing (or at least I’ve been trying to), and to allowing that deeper sense of myself and my connection to the unseen drive my decisions. Which is to say it been a process of oscillating between willingness and stubbornness. Surrendering and then feeling defiant. Being open to “whatever happens next after this choice” and then being disappointed at times when it doesn’t work out the way I expect. I’ve been feeling into this sense of a particular period of transition coming to a close this season and the creeping suspicion that it’s not so much about things resolving, but finding acceptance in not knowing.
A few times this year I have had the thought, do I even know what I want? Is this what I want? What are my dreams, what exactly do I think could happen that would finally make me feel satisfied?
My approach to clarifying goals these days is getting down to the essence of things. How do I want to feel, what are my values, what do I actually know in this moment?
Some things I do know:
*Nothing makes me feel more at peace, more connected, more joyful than channeling energy. It is a depth of connection that nourishes me on every level. I let go of a career and a life that was broadly deemed to be successful and accomplished, to build a life that orients around this practice. And I would do it again.
*Community is something I crave, that I want to build. Not just for others but for me!
*I want to contribute positively, meaningfully to the principles of freedom and liberation. In my own way at least. Which is to say, I do want to be rooted in this physical world and invested and active in making it better for everyone. Even when I am feeling hopeless and powerless I remember that it is important to try. That the trying matters.
*I don’t really care that much about accumulating material resources anymore. What I feel I need has changed. I don’t have a desire to be wealthy (even mildly), and I don’t see that as an ethical goal when you are engaged in spiritual work. The resource of time and presence is most valuable to me.
*I do love to work with people, but I’ve gotten more honest with myself about how some kinds of work are pretty strenuous for me. And other kinds of work are not. I want to find the balance that allows me to feel free and satisfied. I enjoy the work most when it is in balance. This is rooted in my own sense of core enoughness, and it is the ground where this inner battle is often waged. Am I doing enough, if I’m really good at something that helps other people should I just be doing that as much as possible? Am I allowed to want to feel at peace and nourished myself? My heart answers yes, my mind can return easily to the former.
So what comes next? Where is this all leading? I honestly don’t know.
Maybe I’ve just been in enough Tower moments in my life to have a sense of when they are coming. And this time, this past year, I choose to bulldoze the Tower myself. It turns out that Tower was a fortress it’s been a long demolition getting down to the foundation. I’ve been kind of wandering around the wreckage for awhile. Trying to understand what is useful to hold onto, and what needs to go. I guess I’m building a little glamping situation to live in for now because I don’t really know what I’m building yet. Somewhere to feel comfortable and nourished, until the vision is more clear. Or perhaps until conditions change and other choices are available.
Goals are overrated sometimes.
Goals are a way to feel in control. I prefer intentions, held with a loose grip and a willingness to see obstacles as surprises. A puzzle that is enjoyable to put together not only for the final result.
I’m letting a few clear intentions be enough. Or I’m trying to.
The trying matters.
What do you really want?
How would it feel if you had that, what is the feeling you are searching for?
Is it possible that something else could get you there?
How could you make space for something beyond what you can currently imagine?
How can you trust yourself even more?
How would you feel if you were certain that you were already enough?
If you want space held for you to contemplate your intentions for 2024, I welcome you to join my donation-based online workshop on 1/1/24. Learn more on my website
Inward Vision 