Developing a “cohesive sense of self” is a goal in many perspectives of therapy and personal development. In this view, the self that is not cohesive is in conflict, opposing parts fighting for primacy in the personality and in relationships. We could refer back to concepts illuminated in the Adult Attachment Interview, that this lack of cohesion can often be observed in a constant switching of positions, rejecting reflections of what was just said, unable to tolerate either of the extreme positions that one’s perspective may take. An example:
“So tell me about your life growing up, what was your relationship with your mother like?”
“She was a great mom, we were really close, more like best friends.”
“So you felt close with your mom, like a best friend—“
“Well I couldn’t talk to her about everything of course, because she could be very judgmental and harsh too.”
“Ok, so you were close but sometimes it was easy to talk with her and sometimes it wasn’t—”
“I mean I couldn’t ask for a better mom, she was always there for me”
I might see this exchange as one with at least two different child selves. One version has a sense of safety oriented towards affirming a positive, extremely close relationship, reenforcing a narrative that “everything was great.” And the other is oriented towards a protective stance that tacitly acknowledges faults but blames themselves for it (if I don’t bring certain things up then I don’t have to experience this side of my parent). It’s a feat of mental gymnastics to hold these positions simultaneously, and creates a deep tension in one’s self-worth alongside it.
Finding balance between opposite modes of coping is important because it brings us closer to the truth, the ability to tolerate ambiguity, the nuance and imperfections of ourselves and our relationships. One view might describe the cohesive self as fully adult, conflicts resolved, a more unified perspective that can be maintained consistently. I used to think that it was an important task for those younger selves to “grow up.” I still agree with that to an extent, in that I believe we need to nurture and parent our younger selves towards a more grounded state with a “healthier” expression. But there’s also a distinctly Eurocentric and individualist bent to the idea that child selves are mainly a problem just need to become adults, as well as the idea that health means being a single self. To abandon the idea of multiple versions of ourselves makes it easier to maintain an individualist stance, apart from others. It casts aside the gifts of the child’s perspective, discarding that they often perceive and know things that as adults we tend to ignore.
When we experience rejection from others, especially when we are young, we intuitively create masks or false selves that meet expectations— retiring previous versions or suppressing them. We sometimes continue to do this as adults by casting off the versions of ourselves that we now disagree with or feel shame towards. When we psychologically annihilate the “problematic inner child” we also lose touch with the resources and self-knowledge of that version. We distance ourselves from a crucial point of empathy and the awareness that everyone has the capacity for change and growth, and inadvertently reenforce the belief that we need to be a certain way in order to be loveable.
I have practiced a perspective of creating collaborations between versions of self for enough time to confidently say that it opens the door to reclaiming some of the spontaneity, joy, and free play that is often lost from our childhoods (even if we weren’t allowed to feel and express it then). I prefer to imagine a constellation of selves, supporting and collaborating with the most current version of me, all working towards a goal of expansion, growth, and positive impact on the world around me. It’s a practice of self-love to care deeply for AND accept all those versions, including those who are troublesome or hard to understand. Unconditional self-love is the antidote to shame. Self-love is not in opposition with accountability; loving ourselves (and our child selves especially) fosters the strength necessary to admit when we are wrong, to believe we have the capability to keep changing and growing if we choose to.
It allows (gradually!) for us to become more patient and tolerant of others’ flaws. It gives us the strength to detach with love, or repair even as we are hurt. The tendency to take things especially personally when we are hurt, is often the call of a child self that seeks control through blaming themselves for the actions of others. We can offer a valuable service by counseling that inner child and helping them learn that each person in our lives is on their own journey. The nuance is differentiating between others responding directly to our actions, and knowing that we sometimes are a projecting screen in someone else’s story.
I think about applying the concept of consent parenting to inner child work, and not creating an inner hierarchy of adult selves dominating our child selves, always knowing better and telling them what to do. Instead I try to listen to my child selves and take them seriously, what do they know, perceive, understand or need that perhaps I’m not aware of?? Even when I’m pretty sure I’m right, I try to approach it as an actual conversation where I am willing to be wrong. (If you want to know more about this idea, you might begin here )
In meditation I might convene a council of many of these younger selves, to discuss a situation where I am struggling. I sometimes imagine what it might be like to do this alongside another person I’m in relationship with, what it would be like to allow our inner children to talk with each other. I try to remember I can ask those younger selves for help when I’m taking life too seriously.
Children are naturally energetic, and so working with energy is an easy way to open the door towards that connection. I have been using Reiki in my psychotherapy practice specifically for Inner Child work for the last 4 years, and I’ve decided to extend this to my healing arts practice as its own individual session offering: Reiki for Inner Child work. These are not therapy sessions, but are a form of somatic coaching. They utilize energywork first and foremost, but they also model how we speak to and parent our inner children. You can schedule one session at a time, or plan to work over several sessions.
If you would like to try these virtual sessions you can take $33 of with the code INNER
And if you would like space held for you in community to explore this connection, join me in June for Restorative Reiki: Inner Child(ren) work. Let’s bring all those selves together and see what they know, what they need, and how we can learn to collaborate with them.
Inward Vision 